I'm Not Dead Yet ::..
Welcome to Saffire Raynius's blog/journal/whatever, Fangirl Japanese! This second layout features Edward Elric from the fabulous anime/manga Fullmetal Alchemist. For more notes on coding and whatnot, check out the nifty sidebar.
Historic Japanese (Entries since June 2003!)
Friday, April 30, 2004
I'm going to email the person who owns the Naruto blog list and tell her where my new blog is. That should make her happy.
I wish I didn't have to move. I wish I could go back here and rant.
I just can't. If you really care, Mom, then you'd understand. I just can't trust you at this point in time. Enough has been shared already.
Saffy had a deep discussion with Al at 10:43 p.m.
Of Snakes and Silence
Monday, March 1, 2004
What do you do when a cobra is on your heels?
AIM me for the new location of my journal.
Saffy had a deep discussion with Al at 09:26 p.m.
Friday, February 20, 2004
I found out today at 11:00 PM that a family friend of ours was critically injured in a car accident. Merilyn. She was the neighbor of my grandmother, and she had two teenage boys. I remember so vividly her and her mother coming over to Grandma's house and talking about their fabulous trip to Mexico. And now she might not live. In my subconscous, I've already thought of her as dead. She was hit by an 18 year old driving an SUV (like my mother....) and that forced her to collide with a trimet bus.
It's just so surreal...
It's Wednesday. Dad and I are waiting for mom to come home, watching the news. We hear about an accident on Farmington and Murray, not too far from our house. Dad calls mom, leaves her a voicemail telling her to avoid Farmington. We continue to watch the accident on the news, not knowing.. not knowing that the twisted piece of shrapnel in the middle between the Jeep and the Trimet bus contained our friend, Merilyn, and her son, Sean.
Here is the article about it as it appears in the Oregonian:
Beaverton driver critically injured in 3-vehicle crash
A Beaverton woman was in critical condition late Wednesday at OHSU Hospital after a three-vehicle collision at SW Murray and Farmington Road.
A Jeep Cherokee hit a Subaru driven by Merilyn K. Schun, 50, about 4:30 PM., according to Beaverton police. Schun's car then hit a Trimet minibus.
Schun and a male passenger, whom Beaverton police did not identify, were taken to OHSU Hospital. The driver of the Jeep, Christopher Richey, 18, of Beaverton was not injured, nor was the driver of the minibus, Karen Sample, 55.
No tickets were issued. The investigation is continuing.
-- Stephen Beaven
That is the part that pisses me off. This teenager was going like 80 MPH in a fricking SUV and then he slams into Merilyn's old subaru and basically kills her. She was sitting there for 15 minutes without oxygen, and assorted other things, and she had a seizure. Even if she does survive, she'll never be the same. She'll have the brain of a 3 year old, if we're lucky.
This woman raised two teenage boys and lead such a hard life, but she was happy and strong, and she took care of everyone. Why should such a thing happen? Why did the parents of Chris Richey have to give him a giant, gas-guzzling SUV instead of a compact car that won't hurt people?
These people almost took away my mother, these teenagers driving irresponsibly in irresponsible cars. Now they're about to take my grandmother's best friend, and someone I've enjoyed laughs with for years.
Why? Why do we deserve this? Just after getting the news that dad is going to go to work in a week.
Tell me, God. Is it because I wouldn't shove mother's pills down my throat? Is it because I'm bisexual instead of becoming a man-slave? Is it because I didn't know what they were doing when they touched me? Is it because of me?
Saffy had a deep discussion with Al at 12:09 a.m.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Why do I bother. Still so tired, and burned out... I wasted my 5 day weekend doing absolutely nothing.
Then again, I guess that's not true. I did draw about 5 pictures for people and I got some good lessons from someone I'd never expect to hear from. I'm still convinced that I'm wasting my life away on something useless. No matter what I do, no one knows..... and no one really cares. Right?
I keep denying myself. Self-deprication. I haven't had thoughts about suicide; I'm afraid to die. I don't like blood, so cutting myself isn't an option. I need to do something constructive, because I can't bring myself to doing something destructive. What can I do?
I've thought more and more lately about my graphic novel. Am I drawing it for the nonexistent audience? Am I writing it for myself? I am beginning to feel more and more like Syou, lost and confused, drifting in and out of this dark void. Possessed by this voice that isn't me, nor is it I. I need.... a story. A story for myself, and me only. Not for her, not for him.
Just.. for.. me.
And when it is finished, I will smile, because it will be the first thing I've done for me in a long, long time.
I'm tired of doing things for others who don't appreciate the time and effort and frustration and sweat, tears I put into the things they tell me to do. Do this. Do that. What is the benefit? Why do anything anymore?
My parents have lapsed into something not like depression or anger, but something stranger. Alcohol. My mom, as I'm typing this, has been drunk for who knows how long. SHe went to El Tapatio for hours, and drove back, then had one and a half Mike's Hard Lemonades. I'm just shocked. And now dad is smoking pot again, and drinking alcohol, and he hasn't done that since St. John's. I'm concerned.
The last time I went to the doctor's... to tell them about my depression... I told them that I worried about everybody. And Mom acted like she cared. Maybe she did. I don't care. I'm not going to intrude on her fun, on her embarassing herself in front of our family. Disgraced.
Why should I hold my head up when I walk into the school? I'm only going to see the same people I see every day, also wasting their lives away in this hellhole. I'm tired of being a slave to society, blindly following orders.
Maybe Tim and I aren't so different after all.
Saffy had a deep discussion with Al at 09:58 p.m.
Monday, February 9, 2004
Ugh... my tired headache is back again. It always comes back. I really need a nap... argh. Even though I was kinda sick this past week, Reesie's healing worked for far longer than she anticipated. I'm glad.
I still can't shake the feeling that I'm falling. School's really hard. I don't know why... last year, I could get away with a lot, but then again, that was middle school. I still don't understand my teachers or their ways... and my own mistakes are starting to get in the way. The math review wasn't that hard but I still spent an hour and a half longer on it. My lack of inspiration only brought an ugly play for English class that makes me hurl just looking at it.
Oh, and by the way..... Mom, if you're reading this, kiss my ass, because I don't fucking care anymore.
Saffy had a deep discussion with Al at 09:01 p.m.
Friday, January 30, 2004
Not much to say..... XD Isolame. Wrote some cool poetry in Creative Writing 2 with Shakespearean poetry magnets... very fun. might post them later.
Saffy had a deep discussion with Al at 04:47 p.m.